Through the Eyes of a Child
Confronted by my seven-year-old self
It was the fall of 2017. I was dealing with (yet another) running injury, and was therefore on pause from my typical training regime. While I would usually cross-train fairly intensely when I had an injury in order to maintain fitness, for whatever reason this time I decided that I needed to take some time fully off of training of any kind. I remember my boyfriend at the time being confused and skeptical about this decision. But I knew it was the right one for me, and I stuck to it. My usual agenda of running, cycling, and gym workouts was replaced with gentle mobility sessions, yoga classes, and strolling by the river. As I expected, my body relaxed into this more gentle rhythm and my injury began to heal. What I did not expect was that this change in my movement routine would spark a profound spiritual awakening moment that would change the course of my life.
Taking a break from intense training meant having more time and energy on my hands. It also gave me my creative spark back. I decided to use that spark to take a five-day self-paced healing course put out by a deeply gifted friend of mine. I don’t remember what the course was exactly about (perhaps forgiveness? Or was it freedom? Something like that), but I do remember that at the end of the five days, I was feeling much more spiritually connected to my higher self and greater purpose than I had in a long time. At the end of the fifth day, I drove home and parked my car in the usual spot. Then I looked in the rearview mirror.
My seven-year-old self was looking back at me.
Of course, I was still my 27-year-old self sitting in the car… but as I caught sight of my reflection in that mirror, I felt a message come through from my childhood self.
Suddenly, I was seeing my current life through the eyes of the child I had once been.
And that child was disappointed. She was sad. She knew that I was off-track in my life.
In many ways, this was puzzling to my 27-year-old self. Looking back now from my current vantage point at 35, I can clearly see the life my 27-year-old self was leading was the pinnacle of my ego’s version of success. I was living in one of the most beautiful places on earth, surrounded by mountains. I smugly believed that my everyday life was better than most people’s vacations (cringe-worthy arrogance, I know). I had a long-term partner and we lived together in a sweet condo with a pool and a hot tub and a gym and mountain views. I had just been accepted into a prestigious master’s program where less than 10% of people who apply get in. I’d just been awarded a scholarship for that program. I was running, cycling, and skiing up and down mountains, adventuring to spectacular places on a regular basis that most people only dream of. I was training for and competing in mountain/ultra/trail races, and mostly performing well. Everything was going great, or so I thought! Until my seven-year-old self broke the space-time continuum to inform me otherwise.
“We’re not doing anything we used to love,” she said to me.
“We’re not writing any more. We’re not reading for fun much anymore. We’re not playing anymore.”
I definitely remember crying when I received that message. I felt the truth of it in my bones. Sure, my ego was thriving in the life I had created. All of that external validation was super yummy for that part of myself. But my soul was crying out for something different.
For awhile after that mystical experience, while I was still on a break from training, I made some changes to honour the message my seven-year-old self had transmitted to me.
I started going on slow wanders through the mountains and by the river with my notebook in hand. I stopped to sit on rocks with my feet in a rushing stream. And I wrote. Mostly it was poetry that came out. I think I wrote over 300 poems in the year after my encounter with my seven-year-old self. I also went to the library and picked up some novels. I started to read before bed, as I had always done as a child, which is a habit that I still enjoy to this day.
But a few weeks or a month later, the snow arrived and ski season started. I was able to train intensely once again without aggravating my injury. My movement practice shifted back to its default position, and I fell back into the groove of old familiar patterns. The mystical experience was a seed planted, but it didn’t permanently change my patterns. I wasn’t quite ready at that point in time. But it did set me on a new path, even though that path wouldn’t become clear for another couple of years.
It wasn’t until I discovered the Human Design system on April 17th, 2019 (exactly six years ago today, I am now realizing as I write this!), that I was able to fully understand the patterns and familiar grooves of my “not self” that I was allowing to shape my life.
I realized how the not-self of my undefined Sacral Centre was telling me to do the most, to keep doing more, that I wasn’t tired yet, that there was more to give. This manifested mostly through training intensely for endurance sport, in my Projector body that is simply not built for consistent, sustained effort.
I realized how the not-self of my undefined Heart Centre was telling me that I needed to prove myself, that I needed external validation to show others that I am worthy of being here, of existing, of love. This manifested through seeking validation in athletic performances, like races and Strava segments. It also manifested in athletic performances that only I could see, like interval splits or completing all of my goal workouts for that week. Of course, this not-self behaviour of feeling the need to prove I’m worthy also manifested in other areas of my life as well: Relationships, academics, appearance, etc.
It didn’t take me very long after first learning about my Human Design chart to begin making big sweeping changes to my life. Once I saw those patterns laid out there in black and white, they were undeniable. I couldn’t unsee them, that’s for sure! I knew that my life was about to change, and I knew that my ego would be kicking and screaming every step of the way.
In 2017, I intuitively knew that changing my movement practice was what my body was asking for, and that doing so brought back my creative spark, my joy, my energy, and my ability to be more “me.” However, the vortex of my not-self and old patterns that remained below the level of my conscious mind magnetized me back into my unhealthy habits. In 2019 however, armed with the new-to-me tool of Human Design, my conscious mind was able to identify exactly what was going on. And, as I said, there is no going back from that!
In 2019, after learning about Human Design, the first major changes I made to my life were made to my movement practice. It was so abundantly clear that it was, quite literally, killing me (my soul, my body, my creativity, my gifts… it was killing it all!). When I talk about life-giving and life-taking movement practices on Instagram, please believe me when I say I’ve been all the way to the depths of hell in terms of a life-taking movement practice (which I believe was a part of my soul contract to prepare me to speak on this topic through lived experiences). I was sick and injured constantly. I was living completely in my not-self patterns. I did not have energy for much else in my life, let alone creativity and sharing my true gifts. My reproductive health was not optimal. I had gut issues. Mentally, I was militant with myself. There was not much room for joy and play within my psyche. My emotions felt out of whack. I felt deeply disconnected from my true purpose.
When I began to change my movement practice in 2019, many of those problems resolved themselves. Maybe not all at once, but my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health all improved immediately.
I did less in my movement practice, and I got injured and ill far less often. I had more energy. I tapped into my true gifts and purpose. My mind felt clearer.
I stopped competing in sport, and my gut issues resolved themselves. Joy slowly returned. I began the road towards feeling valuable just for being. I began the road towards self-love and self-acceptance; Towards accepting the unique being that I am, without fighting to be someone I simply am not.
I’m not saying that changing my movement practice to be more in alignment with my unique Human Design chart fixed all of the problems in my life and had me galloping away towards a happily ever after. Of course, the story is more complex than that.
I am saying, however, that I’ve learned through visceral, lived experience the power of a movement practice for setting the tone for the rest of my life. I’ve felt how it feels to be completely out of alignment, and how that impacts my ability to share my gifts, live my purpose, and enjoy this beautiful life.
And now, six years later, I am living in the result of aligning my movement practice with my unique design. The gifts of these results are both simple and profound; Both small and vast.
My mind is no longer completely preoccupied with the next workout. My focus is stronger and clearer. I have more mental energy, and thus more access to creativity.
My body is no longer screaming at me constantly. Where I used to get sick 8+ times per year, I now tend to get a cold or the flu once every couple of years. Where I used to get injured multiple times per year, I now have the occasional niggle that tends to resolve quickly. I used to be so afraid to do anything that might cause an injury, and now I feel much more confident in my body. I can crawl around on the ground and bend down to pick up my nephew and wrangle the cats and dogs that I care for. I have a healthy menstrual cycle, rather than the irregular cycles and amenorrhea of the past.
My emotions feel more clear and balanced. Being more rested helps with this. Being aware of my emotional wave helps me to use it in a skillful way to make decisions, rather than being battered around by it or (literally) trying to outrun it! Because my movement practice is now something I truly feel like showing up for, I’m much happier overall than the days where I was forcing my body to do things it did not actually want to do.
My spirit feels more free and less confined. I feel a deep connection to my body and the earth. I feel more connected than ever to my purpose, and I have the energy to take action on my dreams. My gifts are being remembered and are reemerging. I have an overall feeling of coherence within my entire life, rather than the dissonance I experienced when I was essentially wrecking my body by doing 2-3 hours of daily training.
These results are truly miraculous to me. These results have me living in an answered prayer my past self didn’t even realize she was praying. It feels astonishing to me, still, that aligning one simple part of your life - your movement practice - can truly have a ripple effect outwards and impact all other aspects of life in a positive way.
Above all else though, the most important result I have today is this:
If my seven-year-old self were to make an appearance in my rearview mirror today, she wouldn’t be sad or disappointed.
She would be filled with happiness and joy.
She would be so happy that my 35-year-old self has not forgotten what’s truly important to her.
She would think it was so cool that I’m writing so much again. That I’m still wandering around in the forest. That I’ve been brave enough to step outside of what most adults would consider a “normal” “responsible” life in order to create my life from a true, deep place within.
In terms of results, I would say that the nod of approval from my seven-year self is the one that stands above the rest.
In our movement practices and in our lives we are being called, more than ever before, back home to our true nature. Typically, children tend to be closer to this inner truth than adults.
If your seven-year-old self was to visit you today, what would they say?
Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”
Matthew 19:14
If you are curious to learn more about my movement journey, check out Movement Stories Episode 1.
If you are curious about what your unique Human Design Chart can tell you about how you are made to move:
Look up your chart and receive a free movement summary on my website.
Download your personalized 45-page Made to Move Guidebook to dive deeper into your specific chart components.
Book a 1:1 Movement Consultation for support with creating a simple, sustainable movement practice that feeds your body, mind, and soul.
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